“Cause I fuck with myself more than anybody else” ~Banks’ Fuck With Myself
Like so many other people I know, I have a tendency to overthink things. I will read all sorts of scenarios into a situation, especially with my overactive imagination. Let my roommate, lover, friend be late coming home….the later they are, the more tragedies I’ve imagined. Entire movie scenes will play out in my head while waiting. Some aren’t so bad…flat tire, phone call, traffic jam, over slept. Some are horrible..car wreck, arrested, dead. Some are simply preposterous..alien abduction, kidnapping, won the lottery. Regardless of the severity, the fact is that I will overthink the situation.
I do this with other things, as well. The friend that never checks on me, but wants my attention and accolades? They don’t love me anymore and I’m worth nothing more to them than another audience member. The friend that never IMs me first, but claims they are an introvert and advertises the fact that they’re an introvert all over social media on a constant basis? They’ve outgrown me or found me annoying or simply want to be chased and I’m not worth the effort of meeting half way. The friend that is crazy in love for the first time in forever that’s suddenly lost in a world of romance with her new love? She’s found someone better to spend her time with and no longer needs me.
Mind you, its not always negative thoughts. I can overthink lots of things. The girl that constantly comments strangely on my Facebook posts? She wants me and she wants me bad! The girl that messages me whenever she’s sad, but never when she’s happy? She needs my corny jokes to cheer her up, because I’m the one person not trying solve her problems or fix her.
Please know that I am fully aware that all of the scenarios I’ve listed as examples usually have absolutely nothing at all to do with me. I know the world does not revolve around me and I know that none of us are perfect. I am genuinely happy to my core when I see others happy. There are few things in this world that I’d like more than to see everyone I know and love to find true happiness. Its just that sometimes when I’m alone, these are the types of thoughts I have and if you’ve ever read my blog before you probably know that I’m about as certifiable as they come. You either relate or you don’t.
There are plenty of times that I’m not fucking with myself, especially when I’m doing something creative. And lets be fair, we’ll always be our own worst critics, but every once in a while I do something I’m so proud of that I surprise myself and its these moments that are the clearest most fuckfree moments there are…and yes, I made up a word…fuckfree. So, here’s me wishing you a fuckfree day and if you’ve got a real problem with my language, I do apologize for offending you. However, I do hope that it takes more than a four letter word to offend someone looking at a blog post featuring a mostly naked avatar. ❤
pose by Bauhaus Movement